I am heading to the end of this year feeling cognitively and physically exhausted. I sense that the end of our restrictions meant that there was a frantic sense of overachieving that I fell into, (I know that pattern well) and I know I wasn't alone, every second person I talked to seemed to have gone to Greece this year! I also noticed some gnarly voices that were adamant that I should keep going. So I fell back into addictive patterns of eating squares of dark chocolate at the fridge door. I know it's a coping mechanism and it gets me where I want to go but I have no doubt that the fatigue is worse because I am not listening to my natural rhythms. I am also being kind to myself because when I was chronically ill I was unable to eat chocolate or drink caffeine so finding my body could tolerate again meant I was also in some ways making up for lost time!
Dr Christiane Northrup says that her medical practice was full of women with auto immune conditions from the busyness of life depleting them and throwing them out of balance. I have no doubt that intergenerational exhaustion is embedded in our cells too...it has been a long hard slog living within a patriarchal template that mirrors back to us a dribble of the essence of who we are as women. What I do know is when I notice these unhealthy patterns resurfacing is that I am actively healing them, and when I am unconscious of them I am reinforcing them, so it is all supporting me in the end. As Matt Kahn says "The Universe is here to help you."
Some recent joys have been reconnecting with an old friend from University. I pick her up every Tuesday morning and we trundle into Lismore with baskets and bags to buy our weekly shop at the organic farmer's market there. It is full of women like us, rounded hips, grey hair, strong arms and a fierce compassion to tend to our families and communities and ourselves.
I have it written in my diary as "Tuesday's with Fleur", a nod to "Tuesday's with Morrie" by Mitch Albom. It is deeply nourishing and has been a lovely rekindling especially when a few friendships moved from the inner circle to the arctic circle this year.
I am deeply grateful as always for my reflection time with my oracle cards, my books and a renewed vigour in my garden which is blossoming with all the attention. For years I struggled to find an umbrella to work with our table, and then last year my son extended our pergola and with the addition of a few bamboo cuttings from a friend we now have a robust set up for my flowering climbers to romp all over...the shade it produces is divine.
I hope you get time to reflect on your year and the growth you have had, noticing the patterns without shame, and trusting they are healing.
Wishing you all much settling and integration time this festive season, may you find all you need in the year ahead.
With much love